Walking in a winter wonderland (because there's no choice)

The Peryls guide to winter weather

It would never have happened in Brunel's day.

Back then snowflakes came in a different gauge and railway lines were made from radioactive plutonium. If the snow did manage to fall onto the tracks it simply melted into a harmless, warm and nourishing slush.

This could be used to feed the thousands of strong healthy children employed to lie across gaps in the rails to allow the trains to pass overhead.

But we're not there, we're here. It's 2012 and nothing works. You're not going anywhere.

So, in this climate of lily-livered lameness and trains that fall over when you sneeze, here's The Peryls guide to what to do in the snow.

Sledging

Sledging is a great pasttime and a wonderful way to enjoy the better side of snowy weather. If you don't have a sledge you can use a polythene bag, sitting in the middle and holding an end with each hand. A word of warning though, you should only do this if you're an adult.

Not because it's dangerous. You're no more or less likely to burst your eyeball in an accident using a bag than a sledge. No, you should only do it if you're an adult because people will point and laugh at a child who has no sledge.

'Ha!' they will say, 'where's your sledge?'... 'can't afford!', 'nice bag, you binner!' and that kind of thing. If you're an adult you can at least claim you have no sledge because you forgot to buy one, or because you can't be bothered. If you're a child, other children will pick on you and beat you up for the rest of your life.



Be warned.

Snowmen

Unless you're creatively talented, don't bother with this one. Your snowman will look sad.

While God created Man in his own image, Man created Snowman in the image of a hunchbacked stroke victim with gigantism. Your snowman will look ugly nomatter how hard you try. It will make other people sad and upset children, and that's even before it begins to melt.

You're not Raymond Briggs, so unless you have a degree in sculpture leave it well alone.

Build a snow cock-and-balls instead. It's easier and the less accurate you are, the funnier it will be.

Snowballs

These are only fun if you're a child. This is because children have smaller brains, thicker skulls and less surface area. That means they're harder to hit but when they are, the snowballs simply explode on impact and no lasting harm is done. Eye injuries are a lie, the child was probably already crying before they were hit, usually because they were beaten up for travelling down a hillside on a plastic bag (see Sledging)

Adults hit by snowballs invariably fall over and sprain something. They may lose their glasses, their job and their self respect. They may not even live to see another winter.

For this reason, children who throw snowballs at adults should be beaten. It is however, acceptable for adults to throw snowballs at children.

Drinking

Drinking in snowy weather is great. It adds an extra element of cosyness. Not in the park though, that's just wretched.

Find a pub, for example, The Peryls will often congregate in the Grape and Grain, SE19. Everyone can get together in the pub and wear hats that would get them arrested at any other time of the year.

It's the best way to stoke that collective magical tingly mood that only the onset of frozen precipation can bring.

Don't overdo it though. Not only do you risk a hangover and a really bad Monday at work, there's also the chance you'll die in a truly stupid way.

People can't control things in the snow. That goes for cars, bicycles and buses as well as basic motor skills. You don't want to slip into the road and have a spatially challenged malfunctioning eskimo bicycle over your head.

Don't die stupidly. People will laugh and they'll probably bury you in that polythene bag you've been using as a sledge, because you 'forgot'.

Enjoy snow responsibly

Snow is fun. We're not here to take the enjoyment out of this seasonal pleasure and we want you to enjoy it - it doesn't happen all that often.

Know your limits though. Allow for the lameness of others and don't assume skills that you don't really have. If you can't do a cartwheel when the sun is shining, you can't do one just because it's snowy. If you lay in a puddle of cold water and thrash about in June, you'll get pneumonia, so don't be surprised if that snow-angel you're making soggily ushers you into the next world.

Finally, if someone looks broodingly to the skies and proclaims 'it's too cold to snow'... punch them. In the face. Hard.

Now, if you're all ready... scarf, mittens, bobble hat... one, two, three... Ha ha ha! Wheeeeeeeeee! Yaaaaaaaaaay!...