The Peryls Guide To Child Rearing

The Peryls Guide to Child Rearing

I have reared a child for 4 years without the occurrence of death or serious injury. I therefore consider myself a childcare expert and as such feel it is time to impart my wisdom to the dear fans of The Peryls.

Childcare

Do not be fooled into thinking that no one else can care for your child as well as you can. Children have very basic needs - food and shelter. These can easily be provided by Grandparents, Aunts, Nanny's and well frankly anyone with an IQ of more than 50. Babies should be palmed off as early as possible and any onsets of tears at this turn of events should be handled with a stiff upper lip approach. Feelings of abandonment in early childhood help to harden the heart against the disappointments of adulthood.

Top Tip!
If you are desperate for a babysitter and no offers are forthcoming then turn on the tears. Fake the death of a relative, throw in a funeral in Scotland and you'll be off for that weekend in Paris before you can say Eurostar.


Playtime

Children are strange creatures. You will never understand the rules of their games or comprehend the hilarity of launching oneself from a great height onto a sofa. Being given endless cups of invisible tea while politely conversing with a mute barbie doll is mind numbing. I did once liven up proceedings by replacing the invisible tea with gin. Sadly this resulted in a visit from social services and is not to be recommended. I've learned it's better not to try and join in but merely facilitate by leaving them to it.

Top Tip!
Create a camping adventure! Simply pop them in a cupboard with a torch, blanket and some smarties and lock the door. Should they wish to come out tell them that their tent is being circled by a pack of wolves and they need to wait until Daddy gets home so he can chase them off.

Clothing

A child's wardrobe is an extension of your own and hence requires the same attention to detail. When being given the once over by the host of a birthday party, your child is not being judged -you are. As a fan of the Peryls, I credit you with a sense of taste and urge you to pull together your offsprings outfits with the same discernment that dictates your own. Do not allow young daughters to choose their own clothing or they will be dressed head to toe in pink. While I have nothing against pink, moderation is key. On average it takes young people 21 years to even begin to comprehend the meaning of this word and so you must be their guide. If moderating your child's attire isn't what parental responsibility is all about-then what is???

Top Tip!
If your child is given a gift by a questionably dressed relative tell them your child has an allergy to anything other than 100% organic cotton and take the offending item straight to the charity shop.