You may not know this but Wes and Liam are
sort of my brothers-in-law. They live
with my sisters; in different houses of course - that would be too weird. Consequently I spend a lot of time with them
outside of “band”. I have mixed feelings
about this.
A few weeks ago, we all went camping. I’m not one of life’s natural campers. I don’t really understand what the appeal
is. Tents seem to provide the perfect
environment to capture and retain everything that emanates from a human being. I’ve never shared a tent with Liam Slade but
having been forced to leave many a live
room due to his trouser productions, I can only imagine what my sister has to
endure. Our capacious family tent is not
much better. Children seem to produce
really hot, wet breath and Millie is no exception.
After a rubbish nights sleep, I decided to
take a Saturday afternoon nap. After
telling Mr.B.P. to keep an eye on Millie I merrily dozed off for an hour before
being woken to sounds of merriment.
“What fun” I thought, poking my head out of the porch. My amusement was short lived however when I
came to realise that Feats Of Strength had begun.
Feats of Strength. It happens every time we leave London. Perhaps the fresh air increases their
testosterone levels or perhaps its because drinking before lunch somehow
becomes acceptable on holiday? Last year
when we were in France, Liam “fell funny” while attempting to leap over a line
of 6 sun loungers. More recently in the
garden of the family farm in Yorkshire, Wes cracked his head down onto a paving
slab while trying to do a handstand push up and Carl ripped his shoulder doing
a cartwheel (it was actually more akin to throwing himself to the ground upside
down, but lets not split hairs).
So what did I find when I woke up? One armed press ups? Wheelbarrow racing? No.
What I found was three grown men and an empty Heineken Keg, hurling it
in the air to see who could get it the highest.
At the moment I spotted this idiocy, it had just hit a tree and caused a
shower of deadwood to rain down.
Me shouting from across the field
What the bloody hell do you think you’re
doing?
I
move swiftly towards them with my arms outstretched
Give me that beer barrel right now. I go to sleep for an hour and this is what I
wake up to. Where’s Millie? You’re supposed to be looking after her.
Millie
is sitting on a blanket watching the game looking completely nonplussed
Boys What? It’s not going to hit
anyone, we’re being really careful.
They maintain
their swagger and keep hold of the beer barrel
Me Have you got any idea what you look like? This is a nice campsite with normal people
staying on it. Normal people who are
playing rounders and Frisbee. Not
chucking a bloody beer barrel in the air.
It could land anywhere ffs. You
just decapitated a tree.
Boys No one cares. No one has
even noticed.
They
have
Me People have moved away from you because you look scary and out of
control. You’re even scaring Millie
This
isn’t actually true but it sounds good
Boys Ok fine
They
are still trying to swagger their way through this but have started to look a
bit sheepish
Me Give me that beer barrel.
It’s nothing but trouble.
They
hand it over and we walk towards the tents
Me (hissing)
honestly Carl, I almost expect this behavior from those two but you are 40
years old and your daughter is watching.
What sort of example are you setting.
You work in banking ffs.
The boys sulked until we went to the pub in
the evening where a game of Darchery ensued.
What’s Darchery? That’s another
story…
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