The Peryls Guide To The Apocalypse

What you need to know about the end of the world

In my household we have a disaster plan. This is not a joke. Anyone who knows Mr BP will confirm this. Residing in the attic are several large bottles of water and tins of peaches. In Mr BP's head the end of the world will only happen while he is at work in the city and so it is my responsibility to grab Mille, load up the Qashqai with said water and tinned peaches and drive to my parents house in Shropshire. Mr BP will then follow. He has promised while looking earnestly into my eyes that “I will make it there somehow”. Sometimes he holds my hands as he says it.

As you may have gathered, Mr BP is really rather looking forward to the Apocalypse as it will give him the opportunity to escape from collapsing buildings and possibly run down the tracks of the underground (a long held fantasy). As thrilling as all this sounds, this shit just got real. On December 21^st 2012 “cataclysmic or transformative events will occur”. I got that line from Wikipedia so it must be true.

One of the problems in preparing for the Apocalypse is that no one knows what form it will take. A big bang that wipes us out instantly?  Four horsemen riding really fast around the world and lopping heads off one by one? The possibilities are endless but I think it's safe to assume that some of us will turn into zombies after contracting a strange virus and the rest of us will try to avoid/kill the zombies. Obviously if you get bitten, you will become one too.

This raises the first issue with Mr BP's grand plan. If there are zombies walking the streets we're gonna need to tool up. So, what have we got to hand? I don't have a gun and to the best of my knowledge I've never touched one, let alone fired one. Despite reading Jack Reacher novels to the point of obsession I just don't know how to. So guns are out. We need to think more homespun.

Knives seem like a good option. A decent chef's knife is pointy and very sharp. It could definitely do some damage. My one reservation is that you would need to get up close to use it, which when you are trying to kill flesh eating zombies that could zombify you with one nip isn't good. However with a long-handled broom and some gaffer tape you can create your very own bayonet and stab from a distance. I'm not sure it will fit in the car though.

I've carried a can of hairspray in my bag ever since the man sitting opposite me on a train scratched himself while making very definite eye contact. It has proved useful on many occasions both as a styling aid and a deterrent. I really think that zombies would be stupid enough to breath in as you sprayed it and get that nasty taste thing going on. Hairspray is a winner.

So, I'm heading out of London with my homemade bayonet poking out of the back window, a can of hairspray at my side and Millie chilling in the back watching a movie. All is well until I hit the M4 and inexplicably it's like a car park. Nothing unusual there I here you say but this time all the cars are empty (apart from the few that have mutilated bodies draped over the steering wheels or hanging out of the doors). Zombies are on the prowl and we are shitting it (or at least I am, Millie still has her headphones on and is watching Sleeping Beauty).

This car is going nowhere and I need to make a decision. Do we lock ourselves in with the water and tinned peaches or do we try to make it Out There? A quick glance in the disaster kit box tells me that Mr BP forgot to put in a can opener and despite the enormity of the situation we're in, I'm a little peckish. I know there is a service station a mile up the road and if we can just make it there we could get a couple of Ginsters and all would be ok.

Millie refuses to get out of the car unless we take her iPad so into my handbag it goes along with a couple of tins of peaches (you never know, we might find a can opener lying on the road?). I sling my bag over my shoulder, grab the bayonet and stuff the hairspray into my waistband. Taking Millie by the hand we start making our way along the hard shoulder. I keep cuffing myself on the head with the bayonet as I push the strap of my bag onto my shoulder (it really is very unwieldy) and we've only walked for 500 yards before Millie starts moaning that she's tired. None of this is ideal.

Two figures appear in the distance. This is it. My first hand-to-hand combat situation with the living dead. Well actually if we're honest it's my first hand-to-hand combat situation ever. I've never been in a fight. Moving with surprising speed (one always imagines that zombies would be rather slow) they come closer. I move Millie behind me, whip the hairspray out and brandish the bayonet. In a surprise move, the first zombie goes for my handbag. On closer inspection it turns out that these are just two homeless dudes after my peaches. Homeless or zombified, no one touches my Mulberry. I blast them both in the face with the hairspray and they go down, clutching their eyes and screaming. I smile with satisfaction. I knew the hairspray was a good idea.

I sense movement around us. Their screams have attracted a passing crowd of zombies and we're in trouble. In my rush to protect my handbag I've dropped the bayonet and I'm down to half a can of spray. It just isn't enough.

A mere 30 seconds later I'm on the floor watching helplessly as my beautiful daughter turns into a zombie and starts tucking in to my arms. As my intestines are being guzzled and I resign myself to my fate, my last conscious thought is “I wish I'd stayed in Crystal Palace”.

So that's what I'm doing and I know exactly where we are going to sit this thing out. There is a rumour going round that Antenna Studios are shutting their gates on December 15^th and we're going to be inside them. Their gates are massive. We can probably hold the undead off for ages and live off Mr BP's stockpile of tinned peaches for at least a week. Given that the rest of The Peryls will also be there, I guess we'll probably play a gig.

Details of how you can gain access to the safe haven of Antenna Studios are coming soon. In the meantime, gather as many cans of hairspray as you can and get crafty with your weaponry. We can make it through this people.

*Since writing this Mr BP has informed me that there is a longbow and a broadsword in the loft.  As these items were not made known to me in the disaster plan, I can only assume that this must have been part of his plan to make it to Shropshire "somehow".